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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26314549">Light on the Dark Side of Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/toniwilder/pseuds/toniwilder'>toniwilder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tales of Symphonia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hangover, Hurt/Comfort, I'm a simple simp, M/M, Vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:02:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,133</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26314549</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/toniwilder/pseuds/toniwilder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>              Sometimes listening to Zelos was like reading a suicide note after the act. It made Regal feel inexplicably helpless and heartbroken.</p><p>              Yet, Regal couldn’t stop himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Regal Bryant/Zelos Wilder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Light on the Dark Side of Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>              Sometimes listening to Zelos was like reading a suicide note after the act. It made Regal feel inexplicably helpless and heartbroken.</p><p>              Yet, Regal couldn’t stop himself. He sat across from Zelos on the bed of his bedroom while the ex-chosen sat on the couch just perpendicular of the mattress. Zelos leaned forward over the foot rest of the couch with a bottle of whiskey in one hand. The glass he once drank from sat, on its side and empty, abandoned by his elbow.</p><p>              Regal leaned over and palmed the bottle out of Zelos’s hand.</p><p>              “Enough of that,” he murmured.</p><p>              Zelos looked up at him, bleary eyed and tired.</p><p>              “Enough of what?”</p><p>              Zelos’s grip loosened and he allowed Regal to take his grip. Regal pulled the whiskey to himself and took a swig just before setting it on the ground behind him.</p><p>              “Hey,” Zelos slurred. “I saw that.”</p><p>              “I’m sure.”</p><p>              When Regal turned back to him, Zelos had sprawled backwards, his position making even his normally pristine physique look mostly melted into the upholstery. The barest amount of fat on Zelos’s body made the smallest second chin appear on his neck before Zelos straightened up, all Adam’s apple now. Zelos swallowed to make work of the alcohol cotton mouth and let his lips stay open after to let out a hefty lion’s breath tinged with nausea.</p><p>              Regal hadn’t planned to be there, with Zelos, that night. He hadn’t even planned to see Zelos that day. Or even that month. He hadn’t seen Zelos since a year before and even that night had been a happenstance—two travelers grabbing a quick meal in town before going their separate ways once more.</p><p>              George had grabbed him before he went back off to settle debts and continue his business across the continent. Regal hadn’t known Princess Hilda even had a husband, let alone a baby who needed christening. So, Regal headed to Meltokio, and, of course, Zelos was present at the celebratory parties. Of course.</p><p>              And, though it’d been years since Regal had last been in the noble party circle, he still eased into it with grace. That was his family.</p><p>              Then he spotted that familiar crown of red and a shorter blazer of pink across the room. He looked different from their last run-in.</p><p>              Zelos Wilder.</p><p>Zelos’s hair was slicked back into plaited braids along his temples that cascaded down until they reached the small of his back where the rest of his hair had been straightened and twisted into one larger braid. His outfit, a salmon pink corset-vest with a embroidered black sash at the hips, caught the light and blinded Regal for a second before he noted Zelos’s hands as the other man poured himself a glass of champagne directly out of the grasp of the gaping mouthed server beside him.</p><p>              Regal intervened quickly.</p><p>              “It’s been a while, Zelos.”</p><p>              Zelos looked up at him, hand still curled around the champagne bottle, and almost growled.</p><p>              “­<em>Years</em>.”</p><p>              It hadn’t been. It wasn’t until later that Regal realized that he had been talking about the journey. That Zelos was in a familiar spot only somebody who still felt youthful could have.</p><p>              Zelos was getting older and he wasn’t dealing with it gracefully.</p><p>              Physically? Zelos looked great. Money and genes played into it. Zelos always looked like a statue carved out by an extremely specific type of seer.</p><p>              Mentally was the problem.</p><p>That was always the problem with Zelos though.</p><p>              Regal tipped his champagne glass towards Zelos and said, “I saw you in Sybak, remember?”</p><p>              Zelos sneered. “No.”</p><p>              Regal turned to the server. “Will you excuse us?”</p><p>              The server left with a mumbled, “yes sir” and practically darted out of sight.</p><p>              Regal pulled Zelos’s arm over his shoulder and sidled him out of the ballroom. Thankfully, it wasn’t a long walk to Zelos’s mansion, and Sebastian opened the door with an undeterred expression.</p><p>              “Welcome, Master Zelos. Welcome, Duke Bryant.”</p><p>              Regal sighed.</p><p>“We’ll be upstairs.”</p><p>              Zelos laughed, loud and ugly like he had before the tower of salvation. Regal hoisted him up, a little less reliant on the other man’s coordination now, and then walked to up the stairs to the master bedroom.</p><p>              Zelos’s feet drug behind them. Regal sighed.</p><p>              “I don’t normally know you to drink like this.”</p><p>              He sat Zelos down on the resting couch beside the bed and Zelos, eyes almost closed, leaned over to pick something off the floor. The bottle of whiskey. He grabbed the cork in between his teeth and then spit it out on the floor so hard that a puddle of spit formed beside it. He chugged it. His glass from the ballroom spilled sweet champagne on the white seating.</p><p>              “That’s how it goes sometimes when time passes.” Zelos’s voice, normally crisp and bright, came from his chest and slurred around his tongue like a fog. “Things change.”</p><p>              This was going to be a battle. Regal took a breath and squared his shoulders.</p><p>              <em>Here we go</em>.</p><p>              “What has changed?” he baited.</p><p>              Zelos tossed the glass to the side of the couch. He had at least enough of himself not to destroy it on the floor for a servant to clean up later—a good sign.</p><p>              “Nothing.”</p><p>              Regal’s eyebrows pulled together.</p><p>              “Everybody else---Lloyd and Colette got married y’know.”</p><p>              Five years before, but okay. In a beautiful ceremony that made sense. They loved each other, they cared for each other, and while they weren’t what Regal considered the traditional relationship (he’d be surprised if the two shared a bed and had children), it made sense and it was pure.</p><p>              Zelos had been the best man.</p><p>              “And Sheena is doing her thing. And Raine is out there doing her thing.”</p><p>              Sheena, working and working around Zelos and seeing him so often that Regal could scream.</p><p>              Raine, working around Sheena and seeing her so often that Regal could not believe how the triangle of desperation hadn’t realized where their points met.</p><p>              “Right.”</p><p>              “And I’m still here. Doing this.” Zelos gestured grandly around them at the updated décor since the last time Regal had visited. Heavy curtains, made specifically to block out the sun. A pile of presents in the corner, unopened.</p><p>              “I am so tired of doing this.”</p><p>              “Doing what?”</p><p>              Zelos coughed.</p><p>“Being this way. Being this fake fucking liar all the time for the objectification of the people with big wallets and big cocks. I’m so fucking tired of lying and I can’t…”</p><p>              He grabbed for the bottle.</p><p>              Regal leaned over to pull it from him, but stopped short when Zelos yanked it away.</p><p>              “You can’t stop.”</p><p>              Zelos stared up at him, bleary eyed and tired. His eyebrows rolled up and his lip fattened as the next breath came out like a hiccup. An almost sob perched at the edge of his tongue.</p><p>              “Zelos…”</p><p>              “I wasn’t supposed to keep being like this after everything,” Zelos whispered. “I was supposed to go out and be… me…”</p><p>              “You’re you.”</p><p>              “That’s not who I want to be!” Zelos wailed. “That isn’t what I’m supposed to do! The chosen lineage is over and I thought I could walk away from it and I…”</p><p>              He sunk into the couch behind him and shut his eyes tightly. They had the exchange of the bottle then, the ‘I saw that’ Zelos slurred before sinking into the couch like he was made of sand and the tide had just come to send him away.</p><p>              Regal watched him, his hand latched onto the bottle protectively in case Zelos got any ideas of drinking more. The man before him pressed both palms into his face and shivered.</p><p>              “I don’t want to keep being this. I was supposed to stop being this.”</p><p>              “What’s so bad about you?” Regal asked, genuine.</p><p>              “Don’t.” Zelos pleaded.</p><p>              “I’m sorry, but I just… Don’t see how it’s so bad… I enjoy you.”</p><p>              Zelos resurfaced, eyes wet now. The question of why etched into every ounce of moisture threatening to spill over.</p><p>              “You’re a good person, Zelos. You’re kind and smart.”</p><p>              “I’m not.” He shook his head over and over. “I’m not.”</p><p>              “You are.”</p><p>              “I was supposed to die. I shouldn’t be here. How can I fix that? I don’t know how to fix that.”</p><p>              “You weren’t supposed to die.”</p><p>              Zelos took a shaky breath. “She said it. She said it. Mothers know that kind of shit.”</p><p>              <em>Oh, Zelos…</em></p><p>              “You… You are too drunk to talk about this right now,” Regal conceded. He stood to leave. “Please rest.”</p><p>              Zelos's hand rocketed out from his side and grabbed Regal’s bicep like a bear trap.</p><p>              “Don’t leave me.” And that was it—the tears were out. He stared up at Regal, salted and open, and begged, “Please, don’t leave me here with myself tonight. I won’t survive it.”</p><p>              Regal knew how that felt. Where the guilt and the self-hatred opened and threatened to swallow you whole. It was worst after Alicia’s death, then came back when he met Presea and the party. Since their journey, Regal hadn’t felt the jaws of suicidal ideation in a very long time. But, he also knew he would have felt it a lot less had somebody been there for him.</p><p>              Not that the others hadn’t been. He just hadn’t let them. He hadn’t asked them to stay with him.</p><p>              Regal sat back down, this time beside Zelos on the couch, and rested his palm on the back of his shoulder.</p><p>              “I won’t.”</p><p>              Zelos balked at him, the shock on his face so damn deeply rooted that Regal’s heart bottomed into his gut. Then, just like that, Zelos crumbled, leaned forward and pressed his head into the muscle of Regal’s shoulder, and he wept.</p><p>              It was silent, the kind of practiced sob so no one might overhear. Regal knew Zelos was depressed, so much that Regal doubted it wasn’t cellular at this point, but to see the aftermath instead of the sprinkles of symptoms? He clenched his jaw and rubbed Zelos’s shoulder while he shushed him.</p><p>              “You are valuable, I promise,” He found himself saying. “At least to me.”</p><p>              Zelos’s breath hitched, and his head shook, but he said nothing about it. Likely couldn’t, at the level he was sobbing into his shoulder. His trembling increased and he clung to Regal like he was his life source. In the moment, he probably was.</p><p>              When Zelos calmed down, Regal pried himself away, finding it harder to do than he expected.</p><p>              Zelos kept his head rested on his shoulder and whispered, “I need to be the Chosen… I don’t know who else I can be…”</p><p>              “Who do you want to be?” he murmured.</p><p>              Zelos shrugged. “Anybody else. Anybody else but this.”</p><p>             </p><p>              Zelos fell asleep on the couch of his suite, head resting on the muscle of Regal’s shoulder. Regal had his arm wrapped around him as he looked down at him, this broken chosen, and thought, <em>“He isn’t so bad.”</em></p><p>              Regal had never thought poorly of Zelos, not like he might have pretended a times. In a game of jests, Zelos seemed to constantly set up the check mate of being the punchline of jokes. It was an easy rhythm to fall into and Regal had fallen into it more than he’d like to admit.</p><p>              He remembered all those years before, Zelos at the tower of salvation calling himself a joke. How easy it was to fall for it. But it was the furthest thing from a comedy these days. Regal sighed and let a finger curl into the end of Zelos’s limp hair.</p><p>              Zelos groaned and settled more into his shoulder until something curdled in his gut. His eyes burst open and Zelos, all stumbling feet and confusion, scrambled out of Regal’s hold and into the bathroom where he emptied his guts into the toilet.</p><p>              Regal lifted himself up and followed to the bathroom. Zelos, pressed into the rim of the toilet, groaned, “Why are you still here, man?”</p><p>              <em>Because you begged me to stay.</em></p><p>              Instead, Regal said, “I was tired of the party. This company was far preferable.”</p><p>              He knelt down and unfastened the bow that held his own hair back. Regal ran his fingers through Zelos’s hair, noting how he keened under his touch sickly until Regal had gathered all the locks he could into a firm grip. He tied the ribbon around the red hair and fastened it into a Christmas present’s bow.</p><p>              “Thanks,” Zelos moaned</p><p>              Regal nodded.</p><p>              Zelos pushed away from Regal and sat close to the toilet, hand resting on the edge like he’d done it a hundred times before.</p><p>              “You don’t have to be here,” Zelos mumbled. “You can go back to your room or wherever you were staying. I’ve been hungover before.”</p><p>              Regal was half tempted to remind him of the begging the night before, the pleading, the absolute fear in his wails.</p><p>              “I have as well. It’s better to have someone close by to get water and food. To help.” Regal then shrugged. “I don’t mind, Zelos.”</p><p>              Zelos’s expression went doubtful and he pressed his head into the porcelain. “You should.”</p><p>              “Oh?”</p><p>              “But you have always been a glutton for punishment so…” Zelos shrugged in a way that looked regretful, judging by the wince afterwards. “Who I am to say?”</p><p>              Regal smirked.</p><p>              “That’s fair.”</p><p>              He stayed with Zelos, only to leave when he seemed ready to stomach something and there was nothing coming up but bile. On his way down the stairs, Regal noticed how Sebastian had already assembled a hangover kit and placed it by the door. He hoisted the tray up into his grasp and walked back into the room.</p><p>              “Sebastian seems used to this new routine,” Regal commented. He walked back into the bathroom and set the tray on the counter.</p><p>              “Yeah, he’s good like that,” mumbled Zelos. He lifted his hand and made a grasping action. Regal turned to the tray.</p><p>              “I don’t know what that means,” he finally admitted.</p><p>              “Give me the blue bottle and the red container,” Zelos dictated.</p><p>              Regal grabbed the blue bottle with one hand, small and rattling with some sort of pill, and the red container, which felt solid in his grasp, in the other. He handed them over, gentle and solid for Zelos and his false grabs and poor coordination.</p><p>              Zelos took a pill from the bottle with a dry swallow and only gagged a little. When he twisted the red container open, the smell of menthol filled the air. Zelos dipped two fingers in the used up cream before rubbing it along his chest and under his nose.</p><p>              “We talked a little bit about this last night,” Regal began.</p><p>              “Uhuh.” Zelos kept rubbing the cream into his chest instinctually, hands shaking.</p><p>              “How much of that do you remember?”</p><p>              “Enough to be embarrassed.” Zelos smiled at him, eyes still a bit puffy from the night before.</p><p>              “You shouldn’t be.”</p><p>              “Uhuh.” His hands still shook and Zelos shut his eyes, tight, as he continued the motion. His lips wobbled and his eyebrows pulled together. His face, normally alight with a natural blushed undertone that brought out the lightest feathering of freckles, had gone pallid once more.</p><p>              Regal lifted the lid of the toilet with his foot just in time for Zelos to grab for the rim, lean over, and dry-heaved.</p><p>              After a few moments of shaking, withered exhales, Zelos leaned back and looked at Regal from under heavy lids.</p><p>              “Shouldn’t be embarrassed, huh?”</p><p>              Regal scoured the bathroom swiftly and grabbed two towels off their display racks. He set one down, then the other by its side so the two white cloths made a domino pattern with the Wilder insignia as its only mark. Regal sat carefully down on one, then motioned Zelos to the other.</p><p>              Zelos crawled forward and rested his head on the pillow. He groaned, not the kind from last night of a child in pain, but of the adult who had made the same mistake over and over again and was sick of falling in the same place. Regal set his hand on Zelos’s shoulder and rubbed.</p><p>              “We’ve known each other a long time,” Zelos mumbled into the towel. “Can’t say I ever thought we’d get to know each other like this.”</p><p>              Regal smiled. “You and I both have gone in many unpredictable ways. It’s only expected that our friendship would as well.”</p><p>              “This is awfully handsy for a friendship, Duke.”</p><p>And, despite the words, the tone was tired and personable. Zelos turned just a little to look over his shoulder at Regal, though his eyes squinted against the bright light of the bathroom. He considered the statement.</p><p>              “That’s fair enough.” He continued rubbing Zelos’s shoulder. “What would you call it?”</p><p>              Zelos snorted and turned away. “Hell if I know.” Then, with his nose buried in the towel, “Damned if I care.”</p><p>              Regal reached around, pulled the container of menthol closer, and dipped his fingers inside. Zelos resurfaced in time to see Regal’s index and middle finger in the air, slick with medicine.</p><p>              “That’s not what that’s for, El Presidente,” Zelos hummed. “Unless you like a little burn.”</p><p>              “Doesn’t everyone?” Regal replied. He pulled Zelos’s hair up with his clean hand and used the hand coated with menthol to rub along Zelos’s neck and spine. Zelos moaned and leaned further into the towel.</p><p>              “Everyone asks about you,” he murmured, “when I run into them. They worry about you. How you are, how you’ve been… I have as well…”</p><p>              “Nobody ever asked me,” Zelos said into the Wilder insignia.</p><p>              “No, I don’t suppose we did.” Regal let Zelos’s hair fall against the floor and used the clean fingers to massage his scalp. “I am sorry for that.”</p><p>              Zelos shook his head. “I don’t need to hear that right now. Just…” He reached back and ran his own fingers along the vein in Regal’s bicep. “Keep doing that and stay here.”</p><p>              Regal nodded and continued massaging circles into Zelos’s skull. When the other man tensed, Regal slowed, and, when Zelos finally drifted to sleep, Regal stayed there a little longer to savor the quiet. When the smallest leftovers of tremors dissipated, Regal lifted Zelos into his arms and made their way back to the bedroom. Zelos only opened his eyes a moment to look at Regal through bleary eyes and then, as though seeing it was only the duke, shut his eyes in a rare moment of peace.</p><p>              Zelos reached out with a hand and pulled Regal’s hand to his mouth. When he kissed Regal’s knuckles, his lips were chapped from dehydration and hangover. That still didn’t stop Regal from leaning forward and kissing Zelos’s forehead and savoring the flush that blossomed on the younger man’s cheeks.</p><p>              Regal stayed through the day. Then stayed another day. Another week.</p><p>              When he left Meltokio a month later, he left with Zelos Wilder.</p>
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